The Call Centre Guide To Answering The Telephone

A few years ago now, I worked in a call centre. As you could probably glean from the mere mention of the word “call centre”, it was not the most pleasant of jobs. Since then, I have encountered people who seem to think that I should now be a trained professional in the taking of calls.

In actual fact, it was rather the other way around. Whenever I have had to answer the telephone to an unfamiliar caller since, I have done so with all the enthusiasm and confidence of a Vietnam vet having a flashback to the Killing Fields.

So, why is this? What happens in those places? Why doesn’t working in a call centre prepare you for anything else useful? Well…

The Imminent Automaton

When answering a personal telephone, I operate a simple approach, represented below:

• Will talking to you entertain me sufficiently to stave off the coma?
• Will talking to you help me in the accomplishment of some task?
• Will talking to you benefit anyone, in any way whatsoever?

If the answer to all of the above is no, I feel can get away with disposing of them, using whatever degree of rudeness and profanity I feel inclined towards.

In call centres, it’s almost similar. Except the script is rather more complicated, often involves multiple forks in the road, sometimes exists only as an unwritten series of criteria and deliberately leaves you utterly wedged in the toilet if you stray into an area it doesn’t cover. (So that management have wiggle room to swoop in and make the big decisions.)

So actually, it’s not that similar really. No free will. You are the one doing the talking, but you may as well be gagged and trapped in a car boot, as it sails over a cliff. Into an off-shore oil spillage. (Ooh, topical.)

The Big Stall

So when one finally walks away from the call centre, the prospect of an unknown phone call strikes terror into the heart for a couple of reasons. Firstly, there’s the post-traumatic stress of it all. As mentioned, mysterious voices springing onto the line only provokes flashbacks.

Secondly, whilst still suffering from dizziness and a loss of vision, you have to actually think whilst answering the phone, if you’re on a line other than your own. Unfortunately, this ability has long ago been beaten out of me. At least in The Horrible Land Of Call Centre, I could read the script and know I’d done the bare minimum.

Fortunately, I can still answer my personal phone line without having a panic attack, thanks to the carefully composed three-step guide above. With therapy and patience, I’m hoping to one day advance beyond that.