Five Reasons You Probably Won’t Be A Rock Star

Whilst listening to music, you might have played air guitar, air drums and even air keyboard, despite the fact it makes you look like a puppet being operated by a drunken old man. And as you’ve done this, you’ve dreamt of leaving your current routine and moving into rock and roll.

But, once the majority of your twenties have dribbled away, reality slaps you in the face like an angry woman and you start to realise that, yes, guitar-shredding rock megastardom is unlikely. Many just accept this as a logical part of growing up, but, in case you need the logical back-up, here is some of the reasoning behind this crushing realisation.

You have trouble performing.

Not a performer? Don’t like standing up? Break out in a sweat at the thought of having two people look at you simultaneously? Always wanted to be recognised for your writing?

Then it seems unlikely that you will suddenly dash on stage to rock out with your cock out, or whatever the kids are doing these days. I used to think I’d rise to the occasion if it presented itself, but a lifetime of failing the dismount (and the mount) has convinced me otherwise. I suppose you might be a natural performer, drama student and general outgoing genius. But don’t worry, there’s more.

You do not play a musical instrument.

The possession of actual musical talent might seem an after-thought when you take a glance at the “artists” that occupy the charts. Even the ones who write their own songs can appear more pre-occupied with their new hairstyle than the delicate sound of a D flat.

However, that doesn’t mean it isn’t important. Especially if you want to be a proper rock star who keeps going into their hideous old age, rather than some mewling muppet who everyone ignores as soon as their looks slip. For that, you need to be able to sing or bash the drums, at the very least.

Personally, the drums were my best shot. Unfortunately, I discovered that although I enjoyed my time at the kit, it was due to a love of violence than any sense of rhythm or timing.

You also cannot sing.

If you make up for your absence of musicianship with an abundance of the performing gene, then I suppose you’ll want to be the singing frontman. Nice role if you can get it; you’re seen as the leader and spokesman of the band, even though you may have the least input into the actual sound. Hell, some lead singers don’t even write the lyrics they sqawk.

Unfortunately, you need to be able to make pleasing sounds with your voice. No-one’s expecting the beautiful notes of a freshly castrated choirboy, but if you miss every note and develop a smoker’s gasp at the longer verses, this may not work out. Or if you sound like a broken photocopier, as I do.

You are old.

I’m sure, with the use of Wikipedia, you could find a famous musician who got into rock and roll in his thirties. However, there are not many. Yes, some don’t become famous until their twenties are in the rear view mirror, but I’m talking the actual act of picking up an instrument or joining a band or, you know, doing something.

Otherwise, the local open mic night with an acoustic guitar could be as far as you get. And your songs would all be ballads with a certain… despairing edge.

You already know it.

Not everyone suffers from the delusion that rock fantasies leads to roll reality. You can just as easily stay in your room, leap around, play the air instrument of your choice (I’m partial to the cowbells myself) and enjoy it.

Because, dammit, that’s one place happiness always lives. With the advent of Guitar Hero and similar, it’s even socially acceptable to indulge these fantasies with friends, without necessarily spending time openly weeping.

Not to mention, having spent seven hundred words dumping on readers’ dreams for comic effect, I thought I’d take a wild swerve in the last section and try to end on a happy note. Realism does not (have to) equal miserablism, it’s entirely possible to be aware that your fantasies are fantasies and just enjoy them. Why not? Reality is often grim and shit.