How To Harness Your Cynicism

We can’t all be upbeat, positive go-getters. Some people leap out of bed with a spring in their step, a song in their heart and a sugar-bomb detonating in their brain. Others are less aggressively chipper, but still possess a dogged ability to keep pushing on, taking heart from small things. This lot are “normal”, it seems. For they are the majority, and most of us are cursed with democracy.

But what about those who have a somewhat negative outlook, yet still want to get stuff done? You’ve accepted that life is suffering, have a downright evil sense of humour and find that most productivity blogs make you want to seize the nearest axe and (life-)hack your computer into tiny, tiny pieces.

But no-one said the inability to trust “nice” people should stop you. You just need to use your outlook to your advantage. Here are some methods that have worked for me…

I did it to spite my detractors

No matter what you do, no matter where you do it, someone always thinks you won’t succeed. Imagine that person. Hear their condescending, smug laughter in your head. Let it reach out to the tips of your fingers and rattle your skull.

Now, sit down to work. (Or stand up if necessary.) Whenever you feel yourself slipping, just imagine the look on their faces when you succeed. Imagine cramming it down their throat, piece by apple-sized piece, until they either choke or vomit. The odds are quite good that the day will never come, unfortunately, but that’s not the point. You’d probably get arrested for assault anyway.

So, locate your detractors and use them to your advantage. If they don’t exist, make them up.

Procrastination + Moderation = Jubilation

Procrasination, according to most people in the productivity field, is a very bad thing. Unilaterally, totally, fascistically.

I disagree. Excessive procrastination is a bit of a work-killer, to be sure, but to shut it down completely is to kill what little joy there is in the world. If you’ve completed a whole unit of work, why not check some websites? Facebook, Twitter, silly online games, whatever.  As long as you are aware of the need to return to work, you probably will in the end.

Because, as we’ve already established, life is suffering. Why rob yourself of its small joys in the name of robotic “achievements”?

Let’s get this over with, shall we?

Work. It’s horrible, isn’t it? Just typing the word at the beginning of this sentence makes me want to delete it. Anything that can be described as “work” will, at some stage or another, make you want to kill someone. Or yourself. Or everyone.

But, if you finish it, you won’t have to do it anymore. Studies (made up by me) have shown that not working will seem approximately seventeen times more rewarding than working, and all you need do to achieve that multiplier is finish the damn work. Yes, you could stall until the end of the day, but then you’d have to do it tomorrow and that will only feel worse.

So let’s get it over with. Think of the relief of not having to do anything. You can wander around, surf the internet and mock those less fortunate than yourself.

And there it is. How to get stuff done without having to smile, become a hippy or hug anyone. And I assure you: I’m not just an employee, I’m also a customer. These work for me, and will work for others. Bad mood? Bad day? Bad life? Don’t let that stop you.